A Typical Conversation with My Teenager

Alex: What is for dinner?

Me:  mmmmmffff. I don’t know. How hungry are you?

Alex: I don’t know.

Me: On a scale of one to hungry, how hungry are you?

Alex: 14.

Me: That’s really hungry.

Alex: I don’t really understand your scale. I’m fish hungry.

Me: Fish is not very hungry.

Alex: You have weird scales.

Me: That’s a normal scale.

Alex: Then, I am hippo.

Me: That’s very hungry.

Alex: Then some other childhood game animal less than hippo.

Me: What do hippos eat?

Alex: Small animals.

Me: Really??

Alex: I’m pretty sure they’re carnivores.

Me: But, they have such cute teeth.

Alex: No. They have fangs.

Me: In the cartoons, they have teeth like marshmallows.

Alex: Look it up.

Me: (google images-hippo teeth) Wow. Those are not like the cartoons.

Alex: Hippos are ferocious.

Me: But, look. (google images-cartoon hippo teeth) They’re cute. Totally marshmallow teeth.

Alex: In their natural state, they are not very kid friendly.

Me: I see that.

Alex: Hippos are fast.

Me: What?

Alex: Super fast.

Me: I could outrun a hippo.

Alex: No. Google.

Me: (google images-how fast can a hippo run?)  [Picture of a man being chased by a hippo]

Alex: See.

Me: oops. I’m still on images.

Alex: ( googles without image filter) “…30mph”

Me: Wow.

Alex: I will get in the car and go get us some foods.

Me: Finally.

Good vs. Evil

Today I was brought nearly to tears three times. This is a pretty big feat for me. I don't tend to be very emotional. What caused this surge in my touchy-feely side? My kids, of course.

The first time tears welled up, it was because I was so frustrated. The kids were arguing. Constant bickering all morning. It was driving me crazy. Why couldn't they just get along? And goodness, if they couldn't get along, couldn't they just stay away from each other?

I decided to get out of the house with them. A change of scenery is always good, right? They really needed to burn off some energy, so we hit the new indoor playland at McDonalds. After eating, it was like they were different kids. Kind. Respectful. Considerate. Okay. Weird. They ran off to play while I flipped through a magazine.

About fifteen minutes later, a mommy with three little ones came up to me and told me how wonderful my kids were. They were helping her kiddos up and down. They were playing with them and encouraging them. She said she usually cringes when older kids show up because they are so inconsiderate. Okay. So, that warms a mommy's heart. I told her I remembered my days as a mom of little ones as rather difficult. Her three were infant, twoish, threeish. I shared how mine were nineteen months apart and fifteen months apart. Know what she said? "Wow, it's hard now, but it's great to know mine can turn out just as wonderful as yours." Really? Yeah, almost tears.

Then next stop was Target. Chloe needed jeans. Of course, I was dreading it, because there was trying on to be done. I didn't think the boys would be very patient. Chloe went to try on a few pairs. They boys ran off to the bathroom. Chloe needed a new size, so I went off to find it. When I got back to the fitting room, the boys were back. They were sitting quietly on chairs, playing tic tac toe with each other. The fitting room lady comment on what well behaved children I had. And for the third time, almost tears.

So, what is the moral to this story? I'm not sure. But, it made me think a lot about perception and absolutes. Sometimes we need an outside source to help us put our day in perspective. My kids aren't always bad. Nor are they always good.  Please keep reminding me of this. K? Because they're starting to fight again.

And after all that....this is what I want to know: Why is it called a pair of jeans? I understand why it's called a pair of shoes or a pair of socks. But, pants are not a pair. They are singular. And I don't think it's because it has two legs. Shirts have two sleeves, and they aren't called a pair. Ideas?

More Happy Hilbert Car Ride Conversation

Josh: What country do you think has the most technology?

Nate: California.

Chloe: California is a state.

Josh: Like Illinois. (pronounce Illi Noise)

Me: Josh, it’s Illinois. It rhymes with annoy.

Josh: Oh. Really? Well, good thing it’s not a country. It’s small. Someone would take us over. What is the biggest country?

Me: I’m not sure.

Josh: Is Russia pretty big?

Nate: They call it Russia because they rush around because it's so big.

Josh:  We own England, don’t we?

Me: Uh. No. Why do you think that?

Josh: Isn’t that what General Washington was fighting for?

Nate: Wait. California is a state?

Nate: I want to be an actor. In movies.

Josh: I want to be in the army. They get to use guns.

Chloe: Really, Josh?

Josh: It fulfills my dream of blowing things up. They’ve got to do a lot of pushups. And they don’t get good food. Nevermind. I don't want to do that.

Just a Typical Happy Hilbert Car Ride

(Heard inside the Happy Hilbert Minivan during one twenty minute drive home from church.)

Josh: Chloe, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Chloe: I’m not sure.

Nate: I want to be a male model.

Josh: Hey! That’s what I want to be.

Josh:  Sheesh. Everywhere we go, everyone knows me.

Nate: Me, too.

Josh: They say that my mom talks about me all the time or they know my mom or something.

Chloe: That’s because mom is a social butterfly.

Josh: Yeah, she’ll talk to anyone.

Me: I used to be shy when I was your age. I didn’t talk very much.

Josh: That can’t be right.

Nate: Are we on the internet?

Chloe: Sometimes mom blogs.

Josh: And, of course, we’re famous on Facebook.

Josh:  I hate flies. What do flies do?

Me: Uh, fly?

Josh: No, what are they good for?

Me: Frogs eat them.

Nate: What are frogs good for?

Me: Birds eat them.

Josh: What are birds good for?

Me: They spread around seeds.

Nate: Oh. That’s what flies are good for.

 

Me: Any chance you guys could settle down and be quiet for a few minutes?

Josh: But, what should we do?

Me: Anything that’s not loud. How about quietly pray?

Josh: Mom, you’re so funny.

Taco Bell drive thru guy:  Why aren’t you kids in school?

Me: We homeschool.

TBG: You’re not at home.

Me:  Well, we’ve got to eat.

TBG: You should have home ec and cook.

Me: Uh. Good idea. We’ll do that tomorrow. Today, we’re having Taco Bell.

TBG: (to Chloe) Quick! What’s ten times ten?

Chloe: um. A hundred.

TBG: See. Now you learned something today.

Nice try

After my umteenth frustrating encounter with Nathan, my reluctant homeschooler, I went upstairs, grabbed my bible and tried to gain some perspective. I went to the book of wisdom and since today is the 30th, I read Proverbs 30. 


Ah Ha! Wisdom granted. I found exactly what I needed. I went downstairs to quote scripture to my young son. 


Me: "Alright, listen up. I'm going to read you something.


"Proverbs 30, verse 17 'The eye that mocks a father, that scorns obedience to a mother, will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley, will be eaten by the vultures.'"


Nate: "What does that mean?"


Me: "It means you'd better obey or your eye is going to get plucked out and eaten."


Nate: "That's not true."


Me: "It's in the bible. Of course, it's true."


Nate: "It can't be. I disobey lots of times...and I still have my eye."


Me: "sigh."

Happy Hilbert Hospitality

Welcome to the Happy Hilbert House. Knock and come on in. In just a minute the little dog will settle down. Or she won’t. Don’t trip on the big, fat dog. Fair warning…you will leave with Golden Retriever fur all over you.

We are largely a self-serve establishment. I will point to the kitchen and the bathroom. You are pretty much on your own after that. If I have had some warning you were coming I MAY have cleaned the bathroom. Otherwise, um...sorry, we are a house largely populated by boys.

If you need a drink, in the kitchen you will see the cups in a shoe holder on the wall. Don’t ask. The ice maker doesn’t dispense so you have to actually open the door. Use caution. Frozen meat may fall on your toes.

We have plenty of snacks. Open the pantry or refrigerator and grab whatever you want. Again, use caution, things are balanced precariously.

I’m usually hanging out in the Living Room. Join me. Lay on the couch. Recline in a recliner. Grab a blanket or a dog if you’re cold, both are likely in arm’s reach.

Don’t look at my ceiling. One of these days, I will get it done. But, maybe not.

I may get up mid-conversation to switch the laundry. You can come with….or make your own fun ‘til I get back.

If you are confused by any of this, grab a Hilbert child. Literally. They’re probably running by playing some sort of crazy game. We encourage them to be wild at home. You really don’t want them getting their energy out in public. Trust me. Try to get coherent information out of them. (Aim for the girl if you want something that makes sense.)

Stop by anytime. Glad to have you. And oddly enough, I’ll bet you’ll be glad you came.

The Nude Normal

Yeah. You read it right. While it always is a distinct possibility that I have heard something wrong and continue to repeat it incorrectly, that is a very intentional title.

I hear the actual phrase “new normal” a lot. I hear it usually from someone who is adjusting to life that is a bit different after something. Usually something bad. “I’m getting used to our new normal.” I’ve even said it.

But, you know what?? My old normal was never really quite normal. So I say let’s get normal naked. Let’s strip it down. What is it? Does it indeed exist? If so, what does nude normal look like?

Is it a fairy tale life? Uh…hello? Have y’all read a fairy tale lately? Not really happy-go-lucky, smooth sailing plots. Maybe a happy ending. But consider that ending is just one moment in time. Sure the prince and Cinderella get married, but what is life like for her after a few years of telling Princey to puh-leez put the toilet seat down and throw his underwear in the hamper? After a couple kids that don’t behave like the kingdom’s best parenting books say they will if she follows steps a-k?? When she has to care for her ailing, aging wicked stepmother?

Oh we have an idea of what normal looks like. It looks like someone else’s life, usually. And guess what? It ain’t there either.

We think the bad stuff interrupts “normal life”. Dudes… that IS normal life. Unpredictable. Scary. Fun. Boring.  It’s bad choices. It’s good choices. It’s pain. It’s joy. It is what it is.

So, I say, let’s stop looking back at our so called normal lives, and embrace the fact that life isn’t so normal, after all. That’s the nude normal.

This is a naked mole rat. It has nothing to do with the post. But he is naked.